A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'" He replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean you haven't done any testing on her or anything. She might only be in a coma or something."
The vet shrugged, turned and left the room, returning in a few moments with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head "no."
The vet escorted the dog from the room and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. The cat then sat back, also shook its head "no," meowed and walked out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but, as I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "A HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS!" she cried. "A hundred and fifty dollars just to tell me my bird is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but ... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ... it's $150.00."
A young boy refused to do his homework, and his father was trying to convince him to do it. He said to his son: "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied: "Well, when Lincoln was your age, he was President!"
A husband feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner? "
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has d habit of talking in sleep! wat shud i giv him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen he is awake..
A man was driving down the street,
and he had an important meeting
and couldn't find parking.
Looking up towards the Heaven, he said,
" Lord, have pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking. "
Miraculously, a parking space appeared.
The man looked up again and said,
" Never mind. I found one. ":D
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.
The doctor examines him and asks him -"OK, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club, right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew
someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing
himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back."
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been
unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the
sametime, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge nd some one threw it from the 3rd floor"......
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she
would write notes when she needed to
After a short time out on the lawn,
Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good!
How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly
wrote a note to the nephew:
'Bastards won't let me fart!!!' =))
1. Principal To Student..." I Saw U Yesterday Rotating Near Girls Hostel Pulling Cigarette... ? "
2. Class Teacher Once Said :" Pick Up The Paper And Fall In The Dustbin!!!"
3. Once Hindi Teacher Said...."I'm Going Out Of The World To America.."
4. "..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.."
5. Don't..Laugh At The Back Benches...Otherwise Teeth And All Will Be Fallen Down.....
6. It Was Very Hot In The Afternoon When The Teacher Entered.. She Tried To Switch The Fan On, But There Was Some Problem. And Then She Said " Why Is Fan Not Oning" (Ing Form Of On)
7. Teacher In A Furious Mood... Write Down Ur Name And Father Of Ur Name!!
8. "Shhh... Quiet... The Principal Is Revolving Around College"
9. My Manager Started Like This "Hi, I Am Madhu, Married With Two Kids"
10. "Will U Hang That Calendar Or Else I'll HANG MYSELF"
11. LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE"
12. Chemistry HOD Comes And Tells Us... "My Aim Is To Study My Son And Marry My Daughter"
13. Tomorrow Call Ur Parents Especially Mother And Father
14. "Why Are You Looking At The Monkeys Outside When I Am In The Class?!"
15. Lab Assistant Said This When My Friend Wrote Wrong Code.. "I Understand. You Understand. Computer How Understand??
16. Seeing The Principal Passing By, The Teacher Told The Noisy Class.. "Keep Quiet, The Principal Has Passed Away"
17. Once Teacher Told "If U Talk So Loudly I Will Stand Uping U"
18. Teacher To Students:Don't Spit Outside, The Understanding People Will Suffer
19. I Have 3 Daughters, All Are Girl
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this??
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time.
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me??
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, geez, I had to call the doctor!"